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20/11/2006
Tony Blair Toothpaste: Sale now on!
Buy Tony Blair Toothpaste now while stocks last — soon to be withdrawn from the market. Ingredients: beaming smile, the moral high ground, political naivety, and mock sincerity. You are assured to get it at a reduced price, since it is way past its sell-by date.
Tony Blair Toothpaste came on the market in 1997 offering to clean up the British political landscape. It was an advertising executive’s delight, with its youthful smile and apparent vibrancy. This brand of toothpaste was different from previous ones manufactured by the company. There was no talk of the ‘‘S’’ word (Socialism) and Tony represented ‘‘New’’ Labour and new values. Tony was hip, Tony was cool; Tony was the brand leader. He was tuned in and turned on to the meaningless ‘‘Cool Britannia’’ soundbite manufactured by the media at that time. Brits were told that it was cool to be British and to bask in their achievements in music, industry and youthful endeavour. Indeed, Tony’s spin-doctors did a great job in placing the Tony brand at centre stage.
But nine years later, consumers are wising up and the media are getting sick and tired. The new brand has become the old brand — grey, worn out and discredited. There was no substance to it. When it arrived we were hoodwinked into believing that the newer, brighter version of whiter-than-white Tony Toothpaste was newer and brighter than any of the previous bright, new versions. Now we know there is no promised land or pot of gold at the end, just a bag of slowly rotting, yellowing teeth.
Tony’s backers said he would clean whiter than white, and Tony himself believed this. The small print on the tube proclaimed: Moral crusades included. Tony has taken Britain to war no less than five times since 1997 — an achievement unequalled by any other British PM.
Tony Toothpaste is more often than not seen on the shinier-than-shiny moral high shelf of the ‘‘Freedom and Democracy’’ superstore, standing shoulder to shoulder with George W’s Good Ol’ Homemade Apple Pie. For all the sugar-induced cavities that George’s product brings, Tony is always at hand with gleaming smile and little-boy innocence to gloss over wrongdoings. He whitewashes clean with his catchy speeches and the ‘‘I’m just an ordinary guy like you’’ persona. He has become America’s PR man par excellence; let’s face it, the gibbering, incoherent Bush is useless at the job. The small print on the tube also proclaims: Naivety guaranteed.
Tony Toothpaste was a product of its time. What people didn’t realise was that it differed little from the stale and ugly brand that went before. In fact, Tony stole Thatcher’s ingredients to carry on where she left off, leaving Britain bloated with its misguided importance on the world stage and in the grip of consumerism where the cut of clothes, brand of beer or size of car is all that matters.
The truth has been squeezed dry, and sales figures have become disappointingly low. Voting turnout figures in general elections may soon get below the 50 per cent mark. Tony’s done well. George will be proud. Political bankruptcy is imminent.
Tony Toothpaste was a flimsy invention based on hollow morality and misguided jaunts in faraway lands. But we should have known this, as the small print also said: ‘‘Fragile: handle with care’’. It also read ‘‘Do not disturb’’ as Tony pressed ahead with his agenda regardless of that damned inconvenience known as public opinion.
But at least we may rest assured knowing that the ‘‘George and Tony Show’’ may soon be over. If I ever see them standing ‘‘shoulder to shoulder’’ at one more stage-managed press conference, I will scream. Let’s hope the replacement products are a little better.
Happiness is...
I used to feel really great. Then I started to watch TV on a regular basis. I didn’t know it previously but I’m ugly, have bad hair and don’t possess the latest gadgetry that will make me supremely happy. My diet is lacking, my fingernails poor, my eyes faded, my skin sagging and my taste in food, fashion and lifestyle choices questionable. I’m a total mess! I should do the world a favour and end it all now, the sooner the better. I’m a complete and utter failure.
Or so I’m led to believe. We are what we wear? Don’t believe a word. There is nothing proper about lifestyle propaganda. TV commercials talk about the miraculous wonders of the newest worthless household gadget, the latest tastier-than-tasty fizzy drink or the better-than-ever overpriced designer label clothes. Luxuries that we can do without? Of course not. They are the necessary, must-have, must-be-seen-to-have lifestyle products, all because some beaming sportsperson, celebrity or movie star endorses them.
I used to quite like the music of The Beatles. Now I hate it. That was because Nike shoe commercials used some of their songs to grace their fantastic products on TV. I now no longer think of wonderful youthful idealism when I hear particular Beatles’ songs — just smelly feet and mass-produced footwear. If you do not possess the latest products on offer, then you are a failure. If you do possess them, you will feel an even bigger failure because by that stage you will have bought into the lie and will be wanting the bigger, brighter, better versions of the older products that were supposed to be the biggest, brightest and best that could ever exist.
Six months ago you ran out to buy the latest miracle product to hit the shelves. Now you are told that that particular cutting edge commodity is obsolete and useless when compared to the super-improved-edge version. Or do they mean that YOU are obsolete and useless? You don’t have time enough to begin to get that hollow feeling because the message is relentless.
Retail therapy? Some therapy! Advertisements create a thirst that can never be quenched. And for those who crave, it’s an expensive endeavour. Billions are spent telling us that somewhere at the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold and the hapless consumer in the quest spends trillions. But as day fades to night, the rainbow disappears, and illusion gives way to reality: you may find that there is no gold.
There is nothing that can make teeth any more whiter-than-white, skin any more smoother-than-smooth, and hair any more shinier-than shiny. Wearing the appropriate designer label product will not miraculously turn us into bright, young things and, believe it or not, drinking the right type of cola will unfortunately not suddenly make us God’s gift to men or women, despite what the happy, smiling faces say.
But it is all about freedom of choice, isn’t it? I can now go and buy some Botox, miracle facial cream, a fantastic plasma screen TV, a wonder hair strengthening shampoo… I nearly forgot – a newer super improved version of a credit card that will enable me to shop till I drop beneath an even greater burden of debt. Of course you may say the ultimate choice is that you can either take it or leave it. So I think I’ll leave it. After all, I’m already happy… or perhaps I only think I am.
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