Warning: Might Trigger…

By Tina Thorne

It's a damp Monday afternoon, my two-year-old son is playing with a box of worn toys in the corner of the room as my doctor and I are discussing my lack of apparent emotion concerning my most recent suicide attempt.

Have I spoken to my friends? Yes, of course I have, but maybe I don't want to talk about my latest failure in-depth.

I can't promise I'll never do it again, my friends know that would be a foolish claim for me to make, but they can't help wishing I would say those magic words, if only to make them feel more secure.

Why do I not like talking about my constant battle with living? Because most of the time I am trying so damn hard to forget something that has been part of my daily life since I was a small child, besides it's private, it's mine, and ironically at times keeps me alive.

Frequently I become lost to those invasive thoughts, whiling away hours writing final letters in my head and acting-out plans, I am not naïve as to romanticise about the act of self murder - quite the opposite, I am under no illusions to the way in which I will die and the circumstances in which I will be found; I have often thought of just leaving notes and jumping off the Runcorn bridge in the hope that I would eventually become crab fodder, to spare those close to me, but that just becomes double-ended, as for grief and mourning to be fully resolved a physicality of the former self needs to be present in some shape or form.

My last attempt was prolific, I thought, and would be highly successful: I judged this by the substantial amount of pills. I had managed to swallow about forty-two in total, mixed with a large amount of alcohol. Imagine my surprise when I woke the next morning, all the pills in the house sitting in the pit of my stomach and I'm still alive. But there was still a chance if I kept this to myself I would most likely die from liver failure or something related to the amount of toxic substances in my body.

I still had a chance of success.

The day passed in a blur of hallucinations accompanied by ever increasing stomach and muscle cramps, blackouts and generally feeling like my body's insides were being stirred with a spiky iron rod. It was later on that night when my partner and I were talking, that I finally gave in to life, and was rushed into hospital. During this time friends were drafted in to baby-sit while my partner contacted his parents so they could pick up our blissfully unaware toddler, I was at this point undergoing a barrage of tests and investigations. Finally my toxic levels reached a satisfactory level and I was discharged.

I was referred to the mental health crisis team and came back the following day. I was evaluated in a room which I can only describe as Hell's waiting room, and was deemed sane enough not to be admitted to hospital, and was sent on my merry way. Since then my partner, close friends and partner's family have been coming to terms with my recent attempt.

I have had my medication changed and upped in dose and everything seems to be flowing smoothly again, but as the saying goes 'still waters run deep', and my battle is as fierce as ever. It is just a matter of time before this freedom fighter becomes weary again.

I would like to add that I did not take 42 of the same pills but a mixture of anti-depressants and Paracetamol, had I taken more I would not be writing this, I have to thank my partner for this, due to his foresight Paracetamol is kept to the absolute minimum in our household and carefully regulated.

For those who have made it through to the end; even though persons like myself may have a clinical diagnosis - be it manic depressive, agitated depressive and so on - each person's experience of depression or suicide is individual. There are no hard and fast rules, you can not cure or save those with depression, depression is an illness, telling some one that is depressed to cheer up and look on the bright side till you are blue in the face will have no effect. They need your support but most of all they need your patience and understanding.

Encourage them to see a counsellor or GP, offer to go with the person, be prepared to hear and learn things about the person that may be hard to bear, and most of all do not take this on alone, seek support from another because it will also be a difficult time for you.

If you are feeling suicidal please try to hang in there, but if it gets too much and you can't cope here are a few places you can contact:

If you have harmed yourself and realise it is a mistake, which does sometimes happen, please dial 999 and ask for an ambulance. Be prepared to be honest when questioned by paramedics, this will save time and maybe your life. Be under no illusions; as soon as you are admitted to hospital you will be referred to a mental health crisis team or equivalent. They are specialists in mental health problems: respect them and try to be as honest as possible. Take any help they offer you, you can get through this, by taking each hour or day as it comes. Be prepared to have good days and bad days, but most of all seek help if it all gets too much again.

I know many other people like myself that continue to struggle every day with the battle against depression, and believe you me it's not easy and every so often I sink back down. And maybe one day there will not be someone there to save me from myself, but while there is a faint glimpse of something I owe it to me to try and stay safe.

Numbers of support groups and organisations:

1. Mental Health Crisis Team - 0151 7060624
2. Compass - 0151 7086688
3. Merseyside Fellowship of Depressives Anonymous - 0151 2603560
4. Women's mental health support group WHISC - 0151 7071826
5. Samaritans of Liverpool & Merseyside - 0151 7088888
6. Mary Seacole house; primarily for people who experience racism and discrimination in daily life - 0151 7070319
7. Liverpool and District MIND - 0151 5293247
8.Campaign Against Living Miserably [CALM] - 0800 585858
9. Joint Forum [mental health] - 0151 7074308
10. Steps - group for women who self injure - 0151 7268432
11. Not Stated - support group for young people and men that self harm - 07736 317582